The Inmates Run the Asylum

Dad finds a sweater with his old police patches on it.
Dad: I think I'll keep it for when I want to reflect back on my career as I write my memoirs. *pause* That's a load of shit.
Me: I know. You can't write. And no one wants to see your drawings on a cave wall.
Dad: You're right. Besides, I used a ghost writer then anyway.

I so should have liveblogged Sanctuary tonight. Tesla was so on.

"Great. All the subtlety of brain surgery with a chainsaw."

"You've taken a symphony and turned it into rock and roll. French Canadian rock and roll."

I love his snark. They need to have him on the show more often. Especially, since ( (spoiler) )

Anyway, the reason why I didn't liveblog the episode is because I've been trying to play catch up after spending the day with Mom, Stepdad, Carrie, and the nieces celebrating Hobbit's sixth birthday. It was a good time.

Hobbit says that she doesn't feel six yet; she still feels five. However, she said the GEEKIEST thing a six-year-old-that-still-feels-five could say. World of Warcraft is big in their house. For those of you who aren't familiar with WoW, your characters "level up". Today, Hobbit said, she "leveled up personally". My mother is raising complete geeks. I'm just saying.

We had Olive Garden for lunch. Smurf stole some lettuce from Carrie's salad. "You won't like this piece." *chomp* "I like Carrie's lettuce."

After lunch, Hobbit opened her presents. Carrie got her nail polish and I got her jewelry, kiddie stuff. Once Hobbit and Smurf decked themselves out in the bling, they had Carrie give them manicures. Hammie did not have time for such things because she was playing WoW. GEEKS.

We had cake, there was no singing because Hobbit jumped the gun on blowing out her candles, then we just hung out. Carrie played Sims 3, drooling green drool of jealousy, while Hobbit and Smurf played with my camera.

At some point, Hobbit and Smurf decided that Carrie was their new mom. They took new names and everything. They were packing bags to go to their new home and were pretty disappointed when Mom burst their bubble.

Meanwhile, while this family drama was going down, I was watching Hammie play WoW. I gave my poor eldest niece a shock. She chats with people on their while she quests (actually, I think she socializes more than quest, but it's done wonders for her spelling because she doesn't want to look stupid) and she told someone, "i gtg in a bit", which I translated. She just looked at me.

Me: You didn't think Aunt Kiki was that cool, huh?
Hammie: *shaking her head* No.
Me: Kid, I've been on the interwebs since 1994. You were born in 2002. Do the math.
Hammie: *jaw drops*

I thought I'd have to wait until they were at least teenagers before I could horrify them. Good to know I can start early, at least in this respect. This is up there with my cousin Jake thinking blonde jokes are new.

As schooled as I am in the ways of the internet tubes, I'm still only have fleeting knowledge of WoW, which Hammie schooled me on. I'm also not a big timewaster on You Tube, but apparently Hammie is if it's related to WoW. I had no idea that so many people made videos to "They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard" with WoW characters. She also showed me a vid someone made of the Men in Black II trailer using WoW characters. It was giggle-worthy.

Like I said, we all had a good time. We'll see the girls again next week, first on the 23rd, then on Christmas, even if five days is too long to wait and Smurf "hates five days".

I need to stock up on sleep. Those girls never fail to wear me out.

Dad made another crockpot dish for dinner tonight.

Me: What's in this? What's this unidentified green stuff?
Dad: Broccoli.
Me: So you say.
Dad: You're lucky there's not Japanese Beetles in it. Every time I took off the lid, one would land in the crockpot and I'd have to pick it out. It finally got to a point where I was considering just stirring them in.
Me: I'm good with just the broccoli, thanks.

There is a very good reason why I seldom ask what's in the food that I don't cook around here. It's usually just best I don't know.

Dad: That was a bad neighborhood, though.
Me: That Steak N Shake was down the street from a church. I don't remember it being a bad neighborhood.
Dad: It was. The pimps and hookers used to eat at that Steak N Shake.
Me: Yeah, but they were classy. It's not like riding down Eldo to Rax Roastbeef at 4:30 in the afternoon and seeing the hookers there on the stroll. And they weren't classy hookers, either. They were rough hookers. Jeans and flannel shirt wearing hookers.

I'm sure the judge sitting at the booth behind Dad didn't pay any attention to the conversation since he knows Dad.

There's no telling what the people behind me thought if they were listening. I'd think that hookers don't often come up in resteraunt dinner conversation for most people unless they're in law enforcement or planning some after dinner entertainment.

And if you are the latter, I do not recommend the hookers on Eldo. I'm just saying.

Mimzie and the nieces came down for dinner with me, Carrie, and Dad. It was a trip, as it always is.

For those of you playing the home game, just a reminder that Hammie is 7, Hobbit is 5, and Smurf is 4.

At dinner, I'm sitting between Hobbit and Smurf.
Smurf: *blows on her mac and cheese; it goes everywhere*
Me: *wiping mac and cheese off my pants* I'll make you a deal. I'll share my fries with you if you stop blowing mac and cheese on me.
Smurf: Okay. *She then proceeds to eat most of my fries*

Me: *to Smurf* I think I'll sell you to the zoo where you can fling your poo to your heart's delight.
Smurf: No!
Me: We should go to the zoo, though. I promise I won't leave you there.
Hobbit: You should.

Smurf has a vanilla moustache from her milkshake.
Me: You've got a moustache. We need to teach you to shave.
Smurf: I don't have a moustache! *wipes her mouth on a napkin then points at her milkshake* See! It was this!

At home.
Smurf: *to me* I'm going to your room.
Me: Fine. Don't touch my stuff.
Smurf: *sighs dramatically* I'm not.

We go outside to catch fireflies and play tag. I'm it.
Hammie: You can't run! You're an aunt!
Me: I couldn't run before I was an aunt.

Playing hide and seek. Smurf is helping me find the other two girls.
Smurf: *chasing her sisters across the backyard, pumping her fist in the air* Rock and roll!

Playing freeze tag in the front yard. You have to unfreeze people by crawling through their legs. Are you seeing the dilemma here?
Me: *tries to unfreeze Hammie; only gets my head and an arm through, good enough*
Smurf: *tags me as I'm getting up; my earring goes flying*
Me: Hold it! I lost my earring!
Carrie: *probably pisses herself laughing*

Smurf starts her whiny-crying.
Me: What happened?
Hammie: *casually* Oh, I just accidentally fell on her.

Other highlights include Carrie asking my dad if he had a flashlight (my dad's flashlight collection is an ongoing joke that Carrie has witnessed and participated in); the girls crawling through the grass, looking for my earring; the girls playing with my dad's walking sticks; Hobbit kicking her shoes off while running; Smurf naming a huge spider dangling from our porch light McDonald; and Hobbit losing her shoes right when Mimzie was getting ready to take them home. They were found in the front yard, damn near in the neighbor's yard.

And, of course, the girls left me with yet another thing I never thought I'd say and that you will probably never hear said in your own house.

"No one is leaving this house until you find the knob to my closet door."

Me: They're dropping like flies today.
Carrie: Who?
Me: First Ted Kennedy, now Dominick Dunne.
Dad: And one at Weldon Springs.
Me: One at Weldon Springs?
Dad: Suicide by drowning.
Me: At Weldon Springs? I bet the algae got him.
Dad: That's been taken into consideration. It's in the report.

Last night I was chatting on AIM with one_more_cherry. Our talk turned to MST3K and most of convesation ended up consisting of quotes from the show (my range was limited since I've only got eight episodes that I know damn near from memory at this point).

I'm still riding a tickled funny bone high, so c'mon, fellow MST3K fans, tell me your favorite quotes.

Here, I'll go first with a few of mine...

-"I bid you lick me."

-"I gotta get going. I'm cooking a pork shoulder on my exhaust manifold."

-"Honey, we've got mimes."

-"He died as he lived...filthy and splaying."

-"Where's the body?" "Follow your nose!"

-"Did you have fun tonight?" "Did you wang chung tonight?"

-"They're all dressed like Mexican wrestlers."

-"Roomservice, there's a mummy in my room."

I fully expect one_more_cherry to go crazy in the comments. :)