Two open letters

Dear Self,

Remember your allergy? Yeah. That's why you've felt not so good for the past two days. It was decided long, long ago that too much lactose is considered a poison and will be dealt with accordingly. Hence why you've seen so much of the bathroom lately. Hence why you had to take that medicine that makes you feel like someone whacked you in the lower back with a chair.

Please try to be more aware of your diet in the future. You've had 24 years to adjust. Please catch up.

You're a fucking idiot.

Sincerely,
A dissatisfied customer

Dear Mummy,

Unless you are willing to pay, please do not tell me that I have to finish college so that I can homeschool my nieces.

Firstly, you did not ask if I'd like to do this. You're telling me to do it. You lost the privelage of command eight years ago.

Secondly, I've got six years before the eldest will be at the target age you want me to start teaching. What makes you think I'll be willing to drop everything in my life just so you don't have to send them to and expensive private school (because public school is too far below your standards)?

And, lastly, in six years I plan to be living in Scotland without you knowing my address.

Good luck to your future endeavors of bullying someone into doing whatever you want.

Sincerely,
The Good Daughter